Welcome to 2017….enjoy the calm before the storm while you can, folks, it ain’t getting any better from here….well, we don’t know that for sure but come on, have you seen what happened in 2016? Why am I having such a negative attitude today….why, because it’s time for my list of the worst movies of 2016. So, why not be negative for this?
Especially since I actually went further into picking out the worst movies by examining movies I never thought I would and boy…there were so many more movies this year that I knew were bad but I still went it anyway and congratulations, you guys are on my list this year.
So, what movies were they? Let’s take a look and find out, and yes, there will be some foul language in this so…
The following blog post contains some strong language that may not be suitable for all audiences, viewer discretion is strongly advised!
With that said, this is my top 10 worst movies of 2016 list:
10. Gods Of Egypt
Just…why? Lionsgate knew this shit was bad and instead of dropping this direct-to-DVD like a good studio would for their pile of shit, they just released it to the public in theaters and it fails because it’s a CG and story driven clusterfuck. It says something when a movie like Trick R Treat doesn’t get a theatrical release but this pile of shit does.
9. The Girl On The Train
The movie is just a bore, there’s nothing investing or exciting about it, all the characters are cliché riddled with no likability at all, the cast is wasted, the mystery doesn’t work, the thriller aspect ain’t there, the melodramatic levels are at an all time high, it’s a mess, it’s a big gigantic mess of a film and the second consecutive failure for director Tate Taylor who started off so strong with The Help and then falter with Get On Up and now this, it’s one of the year’s worst movies.
8. Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping
One of the most acclaimed movies of the year…that fucking sucks. I’m sorry, but I don’t care what the critics say, this movie was so dull. This movie was only 90 minutes long and yet, it still drags. Half of the comedy is repetitive comedy because there’s clearly nothing else to work with, the plot is your typical Will Ferrell sports movie cliché plot, the best jokes that were funny were in the trailer, it’s no wonder why this pile of shit failed because it’s like watching a diet version of the much funnier Hot Rod but it’s not as funny.
7. Zoolander 2
One of the most pointless sequels ever made, there was no point of this movie’s existence except that hey, Anchorman 2 was a big hit so we’ll give them Zoolander 2 except that we’ll have no funny comedy, we’ll rip off Austin Powers 2, and we won’t even try. Fuck this movie hard.
6. Keeping Up With The Joneses
This movie is basically The Whole Nine Yards except it’s a couple and instead of being a hitman like Bruce Willis in that movie, the couple are spies.
That’s just one of the many problems this movie has, I hated this movie, this movie is the definition of a “safe & marketable” comedy being advertised as a “sexy and edgy” comedy when it certainly is not the case on any level. This is a comedy that just doesn’t work for so many reasons.
One, the cast is too good for this dreck, Jon Hamm, Zach Galifianakis, Isla Fisher, and Gal Gadot are all more than credible actors that can still work with the material given to them but here, it’s standard comedy BS, Galifianakis and Fisher are the typical dimwitted happy couple who live a boring normal suburban life and Hamm and Gadot are the sexy good looking but good hearted couple who cover their secret identities not very well if a dimwitted couple can find their secret stuff so easily.
Two, the script is lame, like I said this is nothing but The Whole Nine Yards except even stupider. At least The Whole Nine Yards had its’ funny moments in the script, I didn’t laugh once in this movie,
And that’s another problem with this movie, the film doesn’t even try to do anything that could actually be remotely funny and just go for loud noises and stupid childish humor because that’s what apparently comedy has been reduced to nowadays, just look at CBS’ comedy lineup this year.
But the single worst problem that this movie has is how lazy it tries to not only be funny but how it tries to push the edge and to be sexy and cool by having the main focus of its’ marketing in the trailer be that Gal Gadot is in sexy lingerie. But that’s not all, because the TV spots for this also show Isla Fisher in sexy lingerie too because we’ve gotta get that male audience into this movie. But there’s just one small problem with that, Fox, PEOPLE HAVE THE INTERNET!!!! They don’t need to shell out $6 to watch two beautiful women in lingerie when they can go online and see that for free. This movie is so lazy in how it is put together, I really couldn’t believe that Fox didn’t look at this and sent it out to DVD or just burn it in a fire.
And Fox has no excuse for this because as I found out in a great Deadline article, Fox would’ve been better off dumping this out because when you read what they did for this movie, it’s…awe-inspiring. Here are some excerpts:
First off, they put this shit out in over 3,000 theaters, that’s mistake one, no movie like this should be in 3,000 theaters. You give 3,000 theaters to blockbuster movies or comedies/dramas that were guaranteed to be hits before hand even if they don’t, you don’t put this shit out in 3,000 theaters after the horrendous marketing you’ve given us in the trailers and commercials and expect us to buy into your BS.
Second, the bad release date, Fox had originally placed this out on April 1st of this year, a week after Batman V Superman came out, not the best week to open up on but there wasn’t that much coming out on that day either and because Fox pulled the film from that date and moved it, guess what came out on that weekend, God’s Not Dead 2 and Meet The Blacks. Even with this movie as bad as it is, it still would’ve made money considering the competition. But nope, you put it out in the middle of October where comedies do not succeed very often and on the same day you have sequels to Jack Reacher, Ouija, and Madea. At least pretend you give a fuck about how this movie performs.
Third, too much being put on the film’s success, not only did you have a cast that did not have a big leading star in it, the lone exception being Galifianakis but even then, his star power has gone down considerably since he had The Hangover make him a big success and you’ve also got Isla Fisher, who as much as I like her as an actress, she’s never been a leading lady caliber actress, she’s tried in the past to little success, Jon Hamm is a great Emmy winning actor but most people still have no real idea who he is, he hasn’t hit that leading man caliber status where his name can put the butts into the seats. And Gal Gadot, yeah she was Wonder Woman in Batman V Superman and people liked her in that but you can’t expect her to propel to leading actress status just like that, her first movie after BVS, Criminal, bombed at the box office. You needed a much better cast that could put the butts in the seats in order for this to succeed.
You also had a director in Greg Mottola, great director, he did Superbad, Paul, and Adventureland but after breaking out big with Superbad, he hasn’t had that same success level, Adventureland was a bomb and Paul was a massive underperformer at the box office.
And fourth, the studio admitted themselves that “it’s not funny.” Well, if the movie isn’t funny, reshoot it, rewrite it, or hell, even recast it so it is funny. Don’t release a movie you blatantly admitted to not being funny and expect us to buy into your bullshit, that doesn’t help your studio, it hurts your studio.
Fox has no excuse for putting this shit out, it’s terrible, it’s one of the worst movies of the year, it’s up there with Zoolander 2 as the worst comedy of the year, nothing about this shit works on any level.
Keeping Up With The Joneses, the only Joneses I want to keep up with are named Indiana and Henry, not these idiots. Avoid this movie like the plague.
5. The Huntsman: Winter’s War
Let’s just call this what it was, Universal’s live-action Frozen and a shitty live-action Frozen movie to say the least. It’s bad enough that this movie sucks but I also had a sucky theatrical experience while watching it too. Yet another pointless sequel.
4. Norm Of The North
OH GOD!!!!! Fuck you, Lionsgate. Lionsgate is such a poser studio it’s not even funny. They are trying so hard to be like the big studios out there but they fail miserably because they take whatever junky shit is lying around and this is the prime example of that shit.
One of the worst animated movies ever made, oh my god, what were they thinking putting this shit out on the big screen? The animation looks horrible, the story makes no sense, the music is lame, the comedy is bad, just…NO!!!! You are not going to insult the intelligence of kids by putting this shit out, fuck you!!! FUCK YOU LIONSGATE!!!!
3. Collateral Beauty
Will Smith plays a ad executive who lost his daughter who died and is depressed but his co-workers care more about their job futures than his mental state so they decide to hire actors to play Love, Time, & Death considering that he writes to these three and then, they are going to try to convince his bosses that he’s fucking crazy by digitally deleting the actors to make it seem like he’s talking to nobody and he’ll get fired….
…yeah, I hate this fucking movie. I hate it, it’s terrible, it’s godawful, it’s one of the biggest fuck yous of moviemaking ever. There is absolutely nothing of value in this movie whatsoever. This movie is a huge gigantic clusterfuck of a movie.
First off, what a horrible plot, these guys think that by getting a grieving Will Smith fired, their jobs will be secured? That’s the plot of a dark comedy not a whimsical drama that is suppose to be heartfelt and emotional when all it is the sick delusions of a terrible screenwriter, seriously, why the fuck is Allen Loeb is still getting work? This dude has never in his career written a good movie, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, Just Go With It, The Dilemma, Here Comes The Boom, he’s never written a good movie and this is his worst…and this is the guy who has written three Happy Madison movies….THREE!!!!!
Second, what a waste of a really good cast, Will Smith, Edward Norton, Kate Winslet, Michael Pena, Helen Mirren, Keira Knightley, Jacob Latimore, Naomie Harris, all wasted in this movie by working with such a lazy script. This director, David Frankel, is way too good for this, he should’ve looked at this script and go “yeah, I’m not doing this shit.”
Collateral Beauty doesn’t work as a movie because it’s trying to make you feel emotional and sad for all these heartless soulless and cruel people in this movie. This is one of the worst movies of the year, there is absolutely nothing about this movie that is good, it’s a bad Lifetime channel movie blown up for the big screen and featuring way bigger stars who should know better.
Will Smith, just give up on trying to get that Oscar because you know what, you will never get it if you keep making bullshit like this, I hate this movie, I hate emotional manipulative bullshit, fuck this movie to the core, it’s one of the worst movies you will see this year guaranteed.
2. Independence Day: Resurgence
Who the hell was asking for this? No, really, who the hell was asking for this? Fox was trying to set this up as this year’s Jurassic World, that sequel that everybody had been waiting for…yeah, this wasn’t that movie. This was Roland Emmerich going back to what made him popular because he had absolutely nothing else to do, he’s a hack director, always has been, always will be, and to me, he’s worse than Michael Bay and he’s worse than Michael Bay because he makes the same movie over and over again and just gets by on blowing shit up because he doesn’t know how to write a good story, he doesn’t know how to write good characters, he doesn’t care about making a good movie, all he cares about is conning audiences out of their money with stupid shit and that’s exactly what this movie is, wasting your time and money on something that wasn’t even good the first time around. I hated this movie, I hated even watching it on Blu-Ray for this, I hate this movie so much.
and the #1 worst movie of 2016…and probably going to be very controversial for many…is:
Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice
Now, don’t get me wrong, BVS had some things about the movie that was good, Ben Affleck and Gal Gadot were terrific in this, they were the only things about this movie that was good.
The reason why this movie is #1 on the worst movies of 2016 list is solely because of how much this movie failed to create a great movie out of something I’ve been dying for for years.
I’ve waited over a damn decade for a live-action Batman vs. Superman movie and this is what they managed to pull off? Just…fuck you.
This movie was so terrible, you could watch this movie and you can tell that the people behind this movie did not give a fuck about anything Superman related because any true Superman fan would never have pulled the shit this movie does, they wouldn’t kill off Jimmy Olsen for “fun”, they wouldn’t cast a wooden ass actor like Henry Cavill to play Superman, I swear to god, this dude has no charisma to him whatsoever, it’s no wonder why he was up for Edward in Twilight because this dude is about as wooden as fucking Robert Pattinson is, they wouldn’t make Doomsday look as shitty as they do here, and worst of all, they wouldn’t treat Lex Luthor like a goddamn cartoonish villain, Jesse Eisenberg’s performance in this shit is so terrible, he’s literally the Jar Jar Binks of this movie, he’s obnoxious, he’s annoying, he’s a pain in the ass, and he’s not fun.
This movie doesn’t know what the meaning of the word fun is, there is no fun level to this movie, I’ve said it before and I will say it again, Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice is our generation’s The Phantom Menace, it is so fucking awful and disgraceful to the DC comics label, it’s sickening, it’s shit, it’s the worst movie of 2016.
And now, some dishonorable mentions, films that almost made the list but did not:
Nina — Where do you even begin with a movie like this? First off, Saldana does not look like Nina Simone at all, that alone makes it a bad movie but on top of that, it’s about as generic and forgettable of a biopic as you can get. Just avoid this movie like the fucking plague, it’s a mess, it’s a gigantic mess.
Rules Don’t Apply — And apparently, that was Warren Beatty’s thinking for his return to Hollywood after 15 years because my god, this movie was bad. It was so bad, I had no idea what the hell was going on, this is one of the most disjointed pieces of garbage I have ever seen and you can tell that it’s trying its’ hardest to make something work and it just can’t get anything going and you expect better from Warren Beatty but not this.
Bad Moms — No, I don’t care if this movie made over $100 million domestically, this is a bad movie, it’s not funny, it’s not creative, it’s not the breakout comedy of the summer, it’s a pile of shit. Just call it what it really is, White Mother Problems: The Movie, that’s all this is and the fact that everybody just lost their shit singing the praises of this while Ghostbusters, which was not as great as it could’ve been but was still better than this shit, got snubbed over because “oh noes, it’s women as Ghostbusters,” Fuck this movie and fuck the two directors who also wrote The Hangover for having nothing to work off on.
Ice Age: Collision Course — Speaking of having nothing to work off of, wow, did the Ice Age series crash and burn big time or what? The first couple of movies were perfectly fine but by this point, it’s like they aren’t even trying anymore. Remember when I said that Independence Day Resurgence felt like Fox was trying to force you to get excited for a sequel you never asked for? This is that again, hope and pray this is the last Ice Age movie because my god, it’s bad.
Fantastic Beasts & Where To Find Them — More studio driven bullshit as Warner Bros. tries to exploit the Harry Potter franchise even more. Fantastic Beasts & Where To Find Them is yet another misfire by Warner Bros. trying to find their next big franchise and that’s part of the reason why the movie fails, 75% of this movie is nothing but creating a new franchise and that’s it, the whole movie comes off as nothing but a cashgrab and it overshadows the things that make the movie work, the cast is really good, the visuals are really good, the creatures are really good, none of that really matters if the whole movie doesn’t come together.
The film fails because of a bad script with too many subplots and plot canyons and holes, too many stupid twists and turns, a bad ending that was thrown together at the last minute to just get a cameo for yet more teasing. The whole movie is a fucking cocktease for future films that may or may not actually happen. It’s the second biggest big budget misfire for WB this year and while this isn’t nearly as catastrophic and disastrous as Batman V Superman was, it’s pretty damn close. What a colossal misfire this was.
X-Men: Apocalypse — I know that I gave this movie three stars in my review but every once in awhile, you get that one movie that the more you think about it, the more you don’t like it, that happened to me twice, once with this movie and the other with the #1 movie.
But yeah, X-Men: Apocalypse was pretty lackluster. After Days Of Future Past, you would think that Bryan Singer would get what you would need to make an excellent film but this movie was just lame. And I also think this was also because of a problem that I tackled, studio interference, that’s right, Fox meddled with another superhero franchise because they clearly didn’t learn their lesson with Fantastic Four last year.
The movie was just so lifeless, not to mention Apocalypse was the lamest thing to be associated with Apocalypse ever. The dude kills people with sand…FUCKING SAND!!!! He’s a lame ass villain and this is a lame ass movie.
Dirty Grandpa — And yet another terrible Zac Efron January comedy enters the book, two years after That Awkward Piece Of Shit, Efron teams with Robert De Niro to make a raunchy spring break comedy…and add another terrible Aubrey Plaza comedy to her roster, seriously, Hollywood, why must you ruin this very funny comedienne with these shitty movies?
The Brothers Grimsby — Yay, more shitty unfunny comedies. Poor Mark Strong and Sacha Baron Cohen, these two guys are really good and you would think they’d both be good enough to carry a movie but not when you have nothing but terrible grossout jokes and nothing funny or clever to work off of.
Eddie The Eagle — A lame ass biopic on something that wasn’t even happening. They literally forced situations in this movie to make a biopic out of something that never even happened. What a waste of Taron Egerton and Hugh Jackman’s talents.
Alice Through The Looking Glass — Proof that not everything Disney has done this year has been great and also proof that you don’t need Tim Burton to make a worse Alice In Wonderland movie because wow, this was bad….really bad. At least the first Alice In Wonderland was trying but here, again, nobody was asking for this at all and nobody wanted to see Johnny Depp return as this character…or hell, just don’t have Johnny Depp show up again at all because I’m so sick and tired of him doing this shit.
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