Do You Remember? #79: Roberto Benigni’s Pinocchio

Poor Roberto Benigni, that night in 1999 will always be remember as the highlight of his career, not just for winning an Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film but also Best Actor.

It’s hard to believe that most of us in America saw his first in 1993’s last ditch effort to save the Pink Panther franchise in Son Of The Pink Panther:

And it’s also hard to believe that three years after having the biggest night of his life, his career would be tarnished heavily by one movie and that movie was Roberto Benigni’s version of Pinocchio:

Pinocchio film.jpg

Pinocchio is a 2002 Italian fantasy comedy-drama film directed by and starring Roberto Benigni. The film is based on The Adventures of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi, with Benigni portraying Pinocchio. It was shot in Italy and Kalkara, Malta. Pinocchio was released in Italy in October 2002, and in the United States (in a dubbed version) in December 2002.

Written by, directed by, and starring Roberto Benigni, this is the classic story of a wooden puppet come to life and his magnificent odyssey to become a ‘real boy’. Despite guidance from the beautiful Blue Fairy (Nicoletta Braschi) and the love of his father, Gepetto (Carlo Guiffre), Pinocchio’s curious spirit leads him into one wild adventure after another – distracting him from his goal, and distancing him from his loved ones. Using Carlo Collodi’s original masterwork as its source, the film is filled with mysterious fairies, colorful circuses, mystical forests, talking animals, fantastical toys and magnificent playlands.

Well…okay….what’s so bad about this? I mean, it sounds like the original story of Pinocchio so where’s the problem here?

OH, that’s right, Roberto Benigni was a nearly 50 year old actor playing a kid character. Already, you’ve lost me.

But not only that, Miramax did a dubbed version of this with an all-star cast and by dubbed, I mean everybody in the cast is replaced by a well-known actor and my god, does it show. Breckin Meyer as Pinocchio, Glenn Close as the Blue Fairy, John Cleese playing the talking cricket, Jim Belushi, Topher Grace, Eddie Griffin, Eric Idle, Kevin James, Queen Latifah, Cheech Marin, Regis Philbin, my god, they got a third of Hollywood’s most notable personalities in this.

I unfortunately can’t find the clips on their own for the Miramax dubbed version so please use this episode of Brows Held High as a reference point:

My god, this is bad dubbing. I mean, Miramax has been notorious for doing this shit in the past with The Thief & The Cobbler replacing the main heroes with Matthew Broderick and Jennifer Beals and with the Pokémon movies but holy mother of god, this is just….BAD!!!! Breckin Meyer as Pinocchio is just….mother of god, this is bad….oh, hell, all of the dubbing is just bad in this.

In fact, this whole movie is….not only bad…..it’s……aids.

It is aids, this thing is the worst possible thing you could ever imagine, this movie is horrendous, this movie is terrible, this movie is garbage, this movie is just 108 minutes of torture, I can not believe that I put myself through this abortion of a movie. There is nothing about this movie that is enjoyable, there is nothing about this movie that is tolerable, there is nothing about this movie that is worth watching at all.

It is horrendous, it is abysmal, it is everything wrong with everything.

There was potential here for a good live-action Pinocchio movie that was more in line with the original story but sweet mother of god, this movie fucked up not only that potential but also pretty much destroyed Roberto Benigni’s career. This movie is just awful, it’s bad, do not watch it, I’m begging you folks out there. I never get this distraught after watching a movie but my god, this was just horrendous. I’m telling you folks, you will live a much better life by not watching this garbage.

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Posted in Do You Remember?

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