It’s almost here, folks, the 2017 summer movie season will soon be upon us….and wow, this year looks pretty bad.
Now, there are some promising movies this summer but most of the stuff coming out over the next three months does not look promising for the most part.
Regardless, as we always do, we’ve split the list of summer films up into five categories and we’re gonna see where I think everything will stand and at the end of summer, I’ll take a look at how I fared up. Without further ado, let’s get to the list of this summer’s movie lineup:
MOVIES THAT WILL LIKELY BOMB
KING ARTHUR: LEGEND OF THE SWORD (MAY 12th) — Yay, another King Arthur movie, it’s only been what…13 years since the last King Arthur movie…my god, 2004 was 13 years ago, god I’m getting old. But yeah, nothing about this new King Arthur movie looks promising at all, Guy Ritchie has been a shell of what he used to be, he hasn’t made a good movie since Sherlokc Holmes 1 in 2009 and this is opening a week after Guardians 2….after being pushed back from last July.
LOWRIDERS (MAY 12th) — This will not have the surprise hit power that Jason Blum’s Get Out and Split had earlier this year plus this has been sitting on a shelf at Blumhouse since 2015, all the warning signs you need.
DIARY OF A WIMPY KID: THE LONG HAUL (MAY 19th) — What the hell, Fox? Who the hell has been asking for another Diary Of A Wimpy Kid movie? And even if they did, the last one you put out in the summer was a flop at the box office so there was no reason to continue this franchise.
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES (MAY 26th) — Speaking of franchises nobody asked for, who the hell was asking for another Pirates Of The Caribbean movie? Nobody. Get ready to see Disney’s third consecutive Memorial Day weekend bomb, folks.
47 METERS DOWN (JUNE 16th) — Wow, a killer shark movie about people stranded out in the middle of the ocean…haven’t seen that before…..this one’s got Mandy Moore in it….so, that’s something….yeah, this is gonna flop.
TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (JUNE 23rd) — Why is anybody ever bothering to continue to defend this franchise? These movies get worse and worse and worse with every film and they’re gonna make 14 more of these movies….14!!!!! Please, people, do not fall for this horseshit anymore, let this be the movie that finally kills off this franchise already, please….PLEASE????
AMITYVILLE: THE AWAKENING (JUNE 30th) — Been delayed for over three years and it gets dumped in the middle of summer and it’s a reboot of a horror franchise….yeah, it’s dead in the water.
WISH UPON (JULY 14th) — From the director of Annabelle…..and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation……again, that should be more than enough to convince you this is gonna fail.
GIRLS TRIP (JULY 21st) — Oh god the marketing for this movie is going to ruin this film from being anything good. The trailer was horrendous, the poster is a fucking joke, and it’s opening the same day as Dunkirk. That’s enough to kill this film quickly at the box office.
VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS (JULY 21st) — Speaking of once respected things that should go away, Luc Besson has a movie opening up this summer and it’s got Harlem Shake Enchantress from Suicide Squad and Can’t-act-for-shit-Leonardo-DiCaprio-ripoff Dane DeHaan in it….and again, going up against Dunkirk, this movie is fucked.
THE EMOJI MOVIE (JULY 28th) — Sony’s entire future is riding on this movie….not even joking, they’ve literally said it themselves that The Emoji Movie will have to be a success to prevent Sony from selling off its’ film and TV companies….if a summer with Spider-Man and the fucking Dark Tower isn’t the priority of your summer lineup then your company deserves to be sold. Especially for something that looks so horrible with this movie.
MIDNIGHT SUN (AUGUST 4th) — This movie looks like a bad Nicholas Sparks romantic drama with two bad actors in it, Bella Throne and Patrick Schwarzenegger…all from the director of the last two Step Up movies.
THE NUT JOB 2: NUTTY BY NATURE (AUGUST 18th) — Yay, another sequel nobody was asking for, it’s like saying somebody was asking for Norm Of The North 2 when nobody was.
MOVIES THAT WILL BE THE MOST SUCCESSFUL
CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS: THE FIRST EPIC MOVIE (JUNE 2nd) — With a lack of family films back with The Boss Baby and Smurfs to this day in June, Captain Underpants has the benefit of opening two weeks before the first of the two big animated movies this month so if this movie can actually capture the spirit of Dav Pilkey’s novels, this could actually be the perfect start to a pretty profitable summer for animation.
CARS 3 (JUNE 16th) — Regardless if the marketing actually helps get people who were turned off by Cars 2, you can’t go wrong with Disney and Pixar at this point so regardless of how the movie ends up, Cars 3 will still be a success because people do love Cars a lot.
DESPICABLE ME 3 (JUNE 30th) — The Minions are still beloved by people and Illumination has been on a hot streak in the last few years so Despicable Me 3 should still make a sizeable profit but don’t expect it to be a massive hit like Despicable Me 2 was in 2013.
THE HOUSE (JUNE 30th) — Of all the summer comedies coming out this year, this is the one that I think stands the best chance of making a profit first with Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler as the stars and an interesting premise that should make it a successful hit and of all the comedies coming out, this stands to be the most successful.
SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING (JULY 7th) — With a fresh start in Captain America: Civil War, Spider-Man is back on track and if this movie ends up being as good as it has every right to be from all the recent trailers that have come out, then this could be one of the biggest hits of the summer easily.
WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES (JULY 14th) — Oh, Caesar, how we’ve missed you. This long overdue third installment of the Planet Of The Apes reboot trilogy looks incredibly promising and if it can live up to the hype the trailers have been setting up, this is going to be another massive hit.
DUNKIRK (JULY 21st) — Calling all Nolan fanboys, Christopher Nolan is back this summer with a World War II epic feature featuring seasoned actors Tom Hardy, Kenneth Branagh, and Mark Rylance, the movie looks so good and hopefully, it won’t be another mixed bag like Interstellar was.
THE DARK TOWER (AUGUST 4th) — There’s been a lot of anticipation and excitement for this one right down to the casting of Matthew McConaughey and Idris Elba and it’s opening on the weekend where Suicide Squad and Guardians Of The Galaxy were huge success so Dark Tower could very well make a ton of money.
MOVIES THAT MAY BE BIG SURPRISES
EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING (MAY 19th) — Insert your romantic drama sleeper hit for the year, last year it was Me Before You, two years ago it was Fault In Our Stars, this year, it’s Everything, Everything.
IT COMES AT NIGHT (JUNE 9th) — A lot of The Witch vibes coming from this movie plus it’s A24 so it’ll be interesting to see if this movie actually has enough to be this year’s big horror hit.
ROUGH NIGHT (JUNE 16th) — Pretty much the female version of Very Bad Things but this time, done by the people who made Broad City. Could have enough there to be a surprise hit if it’s actually really funny.
ATOMIC BLONDE (JULY 28th) — The co-director of John Wick and Charlize Theron working together has a lot of potential for this one to be a breakout hit for what is looking like a mediocre end to the summer.
DETROIT (AUGUST 4th) — Could end up being this year’s Straight Outta Compton with Oscar contention possibly ahead for this one.
THE HITMAN’S BODYGUARD (AUGUST 18th) — I just saw the trailer for this a few weeks ago and my god, it was one of the funniest goddamn things I’ve ever seen. If this Ryan Reynolds/Samuel L. Jackson buddy team up ends up being as funny as that trailer was, this is gonna be the perfect ending to the summer movie season.
THE SUMMER’S TOUGHEST SELLS
SNATCHED (MAY 12th) — Opening the same weekend Bridesmaids became a monster hit in 2011, Snatched with Goldie Hawn and Amy Schumer could be a big hit but the question is, how much will the backlash from Schumer’s Netflix special affect the movie’s success at the box office? This will be the ultimate test for Amy Schumer’s star power as a leading actress in the future.
ALIEN: COVENANT (MAY 19th) — Oh, hey, Ridley Scott’s doing another Alien movie. What’s this one about? Bound for a remote planet on the far side of the galaxy, the crew of the colony ship Covenant…Goddammit, it sounds like all the other Alien movies. I mean, okay, whenever Ridley Scott comes back to something he helped to make successful, people go nuts but come on, when is enough enough? Show us something we haven’t seen yet, not repeat the same movie over and over again. Hopefully they prove us wrong but I’m not getting my hopes up at this point.
BAYWATCH (MAY 25th) — My god, Paramount, you have a 21 Jump Street-esque comedy here that could easily write itself and how have you been marketing this movie? With nothing but dick jokes and old jokes….I mean, come on, you’ve got Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron, two of the most charismatic actors in Hollywood today and this is how you market this. I hope to god this doesn’t fail miserably but the marketing is giving me bad flashbacks to The Dukes Of Hazzard from 2005.
WONDER WOMAN (JUNE 2nd) — This is your last chance DC to convince me that you are really going to give us something with this cinematic universe. Batman V Superman was strike one, Suicide Squad was strike two, if this movie ends up failing again, that’s it, you’re done, I’m not wasting my time with these movies anymore and anybody who has been standing by this after getting screwed over so many times should think about doing the same thing.
THE MUMMY (JUNE 9th) — I know Tom Cruise has been on a roll with his action movies recently but it seems like they are focusing the marketing more on him than the friggin’ Mummy itself. This is another movie eyeing to launch a new cinematic universe and so far, we’ve only got a few glimpses of The Mummy herself in these trailers. I will say this, cross-promoting this movie with the NBA playoffs?:
Not a promising sign moving forward, ask Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights, Pixels, and Ghostbusters how the reception was to their movies.
Actually, come to think of it, Despicable Me 3 is cross-promoting with the NBA playoffs too:
ALL EYEZ ON ME (JUNE 16th) — A biopic about Tupac Shakur has been long overdue and the actor who is playing Tupac, Demetrius Shipp Jr., is a dead ringer for him so if the movie ends up being great, this’ll be a surprise hit….however, the director of Next Day Air is doing this and that’s a red flag.
BABY DRIVER (JUNE 28th) — Man, Edgar Wright gets kind of screwed in Hollywood today now doesn’t he. First, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, a phenomenal movie opens in August and bombs, The World’s End also opens in August and does okay business, he gets attached to write and direct Ant-Man but drops out due to creative differences, and now his latest film Baby Driver is being sandwiched between Transformers 5 and Despicable Me 3. Please, somebody make this a hit so Edgar Wright can get some love from Hollywood for once, please?
ANNABELLE: CREATION (AUGUST 11th) — Sure, the first Annabelle was a pile of shit BUT this is being directed by David Steinberg, the guy who made Lights Out, and remember that the Ouija sequel that came out last October was a far superior movie than the shitty original as well. So, could we see a repeat of that with Annabelle? Possibly.
THE MOVIE TO BEAT THIS SUMMER
Okay, this is where I’ve been 100% wrong every single year since I’ve been doing this, 2014, I had How To Train Your Dragon 2 as the top movie of the summer…and then Guardians Of The Galaxy won:
And then in 2015, I picked Avengers: Age Of Ultron as the highest grossing movie of the summer…and then Jurassic World blew that apart:
Okay, 2016, Captain America: Civil War, this has two of Marvel’s beloved superheroes meeting up to clash with a legitimately cool Spider-Man working alongside Ant-Man, Black Widow, Hawkeye, Scarlett Witch, and Vision, and it’s directed by the team who did Captain America: The Winter Soldier, for the love of god, there is no movie that could possibly top th….
GODDAMMIT, Finding Dory!!!
All right, I’ve actually legitimately looked at every single movie coming out this summer and I can not see any other movie making the most money this summer than
GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2 (MAY 5th)
I mean, come on, no other movie this summer has the magnitude or the hype built around this than Guardians, reviews for it just came out today and they are very positive, not quite as strong as the first movie but that’s to be expected, the word of mouth is strong, the marketing has been on point, it’s got our favorite characters from the first movie all back again, and it’s already projected to make over $150 million in its’ opening weekend alone. I see no other movie that can come close to topping what Guardians 2 will end up making at the box office and I have no doubt that this is going to be the biggest hit of the summer bar none…
Now, watch me be wrong and Despicable Me 3 and Cars 3 makes $500 million apiece domestically. In fact, I’ll just get it over with now:
So, those are my predictions and, as always, at the end of the summer, we will check to see how I fared up with said predictions.
Follow The Reviewing Network at our Facebook page at Facebook.com/TheReviewingNetwork for continuing updates and debuts for new blog posts and also follow my Twitter feed so you can see new postings right as they are posted.