My Take On… #238: Why The Bachelor Franchise Needs To Die Already

Get ready for a whole lot of anger in this one, speaking of which…

WARNING!

The following blog post contains strong language and elements that may not be suitable for all audiences. Viewer discretion advised!

I was gonna save this topic for next month but with all the crazy stuff that’s been happening in the last couple of weeks with this franchise, it’s finally time for me to come out and say it, it’s time that we got rid of the Bachelor franchise already.

The Bachelor franchise, since its’ inception in 2002 has been nothing but another reason why reality television as a whole is becoming more dangerous and more out of control and not in a good way like what the networks are trying to market it, more as in people are really going to either be hurt or worse the longer we keep this going on.

For the longest time, The Bachelor has been just there, it’s never had the massive success factor that American Idol, Survivor, and other reality shows had, it’s just been there, successful enough to spawn multiple spinoff shows and much like other reality shows, I avoided them like the plague.

I hate most reality shows as if I haven’t made it clear in past posts beforehand, I will occasionally watch The Voice and America’s Got Talent but other than that, not much else.

But okay, I don’t watch a lot of reality shows, why am I making such a big deal about the Bachelor series now even though I don’t watch them? Well, because this year, it seems like all the Bachelor shows are just trying to find new ways to just piss me off at how much they insult the intelligence of its’ viewers? Case in point, here are the three biggest reasons why I’m finally digging in to these shows once and for all.

Number one, The Bachelor, a series that has always been nothing more but the same old rinse and repeat stupid dating reality series that doesn’t look real at all but hey, people still watch it. If you really want to see a proper beatdown of The Bachelor, I highly recommend checking out the Family Guy episode, Brian The Bachelor, because they pen down every single aspect of what makes The Bachelor such a bad show.

But anyway, why am I bringing this up now? Well, while I was glancing through the various channels on my TV earlier this year, The Bachelor came on ABC and in that little glimmer of a scene, I saw something that just pissed me off in just how stupid and moronic it really was and….just look…

Please excuse me for the first of several of these…

I mean, what else do I even need to say? I’ll just repeat what I said back in January, NO!!!! I don’t care if she thinks this is cute, this…is…not…NORMAL!!!! ABC proved by allowing this shit on TV this year that they don’t care about the intelligence of its’ audience and I’m sorry, this is the single dumbest thing I have seen on a TV show ever. I don’t care if we just elected a reality TV star our president, that does not mean we can make this normal because it’s not…just…NO!!!!!

I mean, holy mother of god, where do you even begin with this?

First of all, the costume, why is she wearing that costume? She’s a dolphin trainer and yet she’s dressed like a fucking shark. Yeah, not very good at your job are you? Also, she can’t even look at the dude through the hole that’s there?

Second, the pun “I dolphintly can’t wait to talk to you more inside” Ugh…….I mean, that should be more than enough to back up my points on stupid that is.

And third, she was on much longer than she should’ve been, she lasted five fucking weeks on this show, FIVE WEEKS!!!! My god, no guy would look at this woman and be cool with that for five friggin’ weeks. You try to do that anywhere in real life and that guy is backing the fuck off.

So, okay, that’s one example of this franchise just insulting its’ audiences but let’s move on to The Bachelorette, which is making “history” this year by having the first African-American in the lead role of the Bachelor franchise, I know 15 years and now, they finally let a black person be the lead, so much for progression in the world.

Regardless, cool, she’s a lawyer so okay, you’d think the show would treat her fairly with the potential daters.

Well, one day when I was watching a Mikey & Big Bob video, the local radio announcers up here in Pittsburgh, with them talking about The Bachelorette and what they describe is only the tipping point on what new levels of stupidity they have done so, I’ll let them set it up for you:

Now, when I first heard this, I really thought to myself, there is no way that this could be real. There’s no way…..well, shortly after this, I found both of these clips online and….here’s Whaboom guy:

I…..thank god this woman is so calm about this because my god, the second the dude said he only has one testicle, I would’ve been done….WHO DOES THIS???? Stupid people, that’s who. And also, Whaboom is not a fucking job, that’s a slang term for “I have no job or life and probably still live with my parents but hey, let me embarrass myself in front of 9 million people.” Now, thankfully, he got eliminated in the second week.

But it gets worse….oh sweet mother of god, it gets worse….the fucking tickle monster:

Again…

Tickle Monster is not a real job, I’m sorry, it’s not, I had to look it up and you know what doesn’t come up when you google tickle monster….a form of a job. Plus, the dude is a doctor, that’s not good enough for this guy, is he afraid of admitting that he’s a doctor? WHY? You’re a doctor, you save lives, you should be putty in her hands at this point but nope, tickle monster, that’s my moniker. Once again, do that shit in public, go up to a random person and just start tickling them and telling them that’s your job is that you’re a tickle monster, they will beat your ass to the ground and hell, trying doing that to a woman with her not expecting it, she could call the police or punch you right in the dick….sorry for being a little too graphic there but that shit happens.

Again, you get my point, this shit is not normal or would be cool in any form of reality whatsoever.

But the third thing that bring this point I have together is Bachelor In Paradise, I mean, okay, it’s basically the Bachelor’s version of Temptation Island, what in the world could possibly go wron….oh for god’s sake, just play the clip:

MY GOD!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD???

So, not only do we have shows that think it’s okay to have people dressed up like sharks, people using “whaboom” and “tickle monster” as their job descriptions, but now we have possible sexual misconduct?

I’m sorry but Picard’s facepalm isn’t enough so please, enjoy this one hour facepalm:

I really hope none of you actually watched the whole hour long facepalm, the point I’m trying to make here is my god, the Bachelor franchise is a fucking mess, plain and simple.

I mean, background checks people, use them. Oh wait, that’s right, we can’t use background checks because we don’t care about the safety and the sanity of our contestants, no, no no, all we care about is making the money and putting the shit on TV quickly. It’s why somebody let a fucking murderer compete on Megan Wants A Millionaire, it’s why we let Jon & Kate Gosselin become famous, it’s why we let the Duggard family become famous because nobody does background checks on any of these people before it’s too late.

And I know I’m going to get those people who are like “ah, you don’t watch The Bachelor, you shouldn’t even be making this argument, it’s suppose to be fake, it’s suppose to be scripted.” NO, it’s called RE-A-LI-TY TV, it’s not called fake television, there has never been a reality show, with the exception of spoof and parody reality shows, that has flatly come out and said “hey, we’re just here to entertain you folks, this isn’t real but we’re not going to say it’s not real.” No, they want you to believe this shit is actually happening in real life, they are telling you to go do this shit in real life.

If I did any of what I just talked about, if I went out to a bar in a shark costume and said I was a dolphin trainer or went to a woman and said that my job was whaboom or a tickle monster or if I took a girl home and tried to instigate misconduct, I would’ve been in jail or beaten up so fast but here nope, because it’s a TV show, it’s fine, go ahead and do all this ridiculous shit because you know what, we don’t care about your intelligence levels.

I know I have been negative and I know that many of my friends and family and some of my readers out there watch these shows but I’m sorry, I just can’t take it anymore, I hate that this is becoming the new norm that ABC just accepts this and plasters this out to the public and just wants them to accept it.

It offends me, it offends me in a way that a franchise of shows treats you the audience like you’re idiots with the shit they pull here. And the sad truth is, it’s not going away because nothing ever goes away.

We thought American Idol was done and good but nope, coming back next year on ABC. It’s never going to go away because somebody at ABC will find some loophole to get them out of the shit they put themselves in and just go on with their merry way of treating you, the viewer, like a dumbass.

Do you really want a TV show to do that to you, talk down to you and treat you like a child. That’s why I hate reality television, it’s basically empowering people like you to act like and idiot and throw your dignity away so you can be famous for a brief moment.

It’s why franchise like The Bachelor need to die already because whether you know it or not, they are doing more damage than they are actually doing good. You think you’re watching a possible love story right in front of your eyes but no, you’re watching a bunch of dumbasses and potentially dangerous people do stupid shit on these shows, one day it’s not going to end well at all but hopefully before then, we can put a stop to stupidity like what these three shows have done so far this year.

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